After what felt like both a long thought-out decision and a
split-second one at the same time, I decided to leave my job at UCSD. After five years as a student and six more as
an employee, I’ve had such a wonderful time there but realized it was time to
move on. The scary part is I left without
a concrete next step in place which is something I’ve never done before. I know I’m meant to be doing something related
to music and I’m excited to have the time and energy to dive in completely and
figure that out. The tentative plan is
to take the summer to clear my head, give being a full time musician a try, and
plan for the next step. The next step
may include spending a few months in Brazil later this year followed by
pursuing a master’s degree when I return.
With final paychecks and vacation day payouts, I think I have enough
income and health insurance to last me through August. After that… “it’s a mystery!” (Shakespeare in
Love).
Some of the goals and themes for my summer include improving
as a musician, finding more private students, getting more gigs, decompressing
from wrapping up six years of a job, getting in shape, researching graduate
programs, studying for the GRE, making plans for Brazil, making art, making
money, and saving money. Oh yes and
enjoying summer in San Diego!
Yesterday began my first work week
without an office to head
to. So what have I done so far in my new
life aside from going three days without wearing a bra? I’ve gone for a
walk or yoga every morning
followed by actually making breakfast and writing my “Artist’s Way”
morning
pages. I made the steel cut kind of oatmeal
that takes way too long to cook when your normal routine is toast in the
car on
the way to the office. I’ve done a fair
amount of pacing around the house deciding what to do next. I have four
different rehearsals and a gig
this week before I head out of town to a music camp. I also made
thirteen different to-do lists. Not thirteen “to-dos” but thirteen
lists in
different categories. One of them is called
“grad school research” for gathering all of the various steps required
in looking
at programs and applying to schools. Another
one is called “annoying administrative” for tasks I’ve been putting off
like
going to the DMV. Another one is called “self-care”
and includes all of the things I’d like to make time for including yoga,
lap
swimming, writing, and making summer cocktails down at the pool.
The lists are helpful to organize my thoughts and not spend
all of my unstructured time playing “Draw Something” on my phone. But I know I need to give myself some slack
and not be too demanding of myself, especially in the beginning. I need to take some time to relax and enjoy
this beautiful free time I suddenly have.
I do thrive on being busy and having a full schedule, but I’d hate to
leave one busy life just to jump into another busy one. The space in between where I can be present
with my thoughts I think will be the most important during this time.
The verdict so far right up front? I don’t regret my decision and I feel fairly
calm about this new chapter of life. But
the calm is interrupted by bursts of joy, overwhelm, excitement, loneliness,
and confusion. All in just three
days! I’m expecting a roller coaster but
looking forward to the ride and looking forward to holding on to those empty
spaces. I’m grateful to my family and
friends and roommates for their support without which I wouldn’t be doing any
of this. And I’ll keep you posted on
what unfolds.
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